Why Do People Cheat in Relationships?
1. Desire
Esther Perel posits that affairs are driven more by desire than by sex itself. The motivations for cheating often stem from a longing for attention, feeling special, and feeling important. Affairs can fulfill needs that are unmet or waning in the primary relationship.
“Affairs are way less about sex, and a lot more about desire: desire for attention, desire to feel special, desire to feel important.”
The affair partner often provides new devotion, making the individual feel noticed and valued again. This sense of being the center of someone's world can be intoxicating, reaffirming one's attractiveness and lovability.
Additionally, the secrecy and restriction surrounding an affair can heighten desire. Unlike a fully available marital partner, the unattainable nature of an affair partner keeps the desire alive, fueled by the thrill, curiosity, and anticipation of the next encounter. This ongoing sense of incompleteness feeds an emotional and erotic charge, driving a continued longing for the affair.
2. Attention (Feeling Special)
Perel explains that the desire for attention and feeling special can lead individuals into affairs. An affair partner often offers praise, flattery, and validation, reigniting feelings of admiration and worth that may have diminished over time in a long-term relationship.
People like Ella, who cheated for validation, describe how male attention boosted her low self-esteem. This external validation can be like a drug for some, driving their actions despite potential harm to others. However, not all attention-seekers are manipulative; some may simply feel neglected in their relationships and are drawn to the unexpected attention they receive from others.
3. When Something Is Missing In The Relationship
Perel suggests that affairs often stem from a desire to rediscover emotional dimensions that feel diluted or missing in a stable relationship. Over time, the routines and responsibilities of daily life can erode a sense of aliveness.
For instance, Olivia's emotional affair filled an intellectual gap her primary relationship couldn't satisfy. Ava's affair stemmed from loneliness due to her partner's frequent absences. In such cases, unmet needs can lead individuals to seek fulfillment outside their primary relationship, sometimes resulting in the end of that relationship.
4. Reclaiming a Lost Identity
Perel explains that some people turn to affairs to reconnect with a vibrant, youthful side of themselves that feels suppressed. The responsibilities of marriage and family can overshadow one's sense of identity. Seeking the attention of another can be an attempt to reconnect with aspects of oneself that have been lost or forgotten.
Affairs can revive feelings of giddiness, uncertainty, rebellion, and individualism, reminiscent of teenage identity formation. This motivation is less about dissatisfaction with the spouse and more about a quest for personal wholeness, integrating forgotten parts of oneself into daily life.
5. Fear of Facing the Truth
Some people cheat because they are afraid to face and admit the truth about their relationship. They may be unhappy or have found someone else but lack the courage to address these issues directly.
For example, Jack cheated because he was too cowardly to admit his relationship wasn't working. Diane stayed in her marriage out of fear and convenience, choosing to keep her affair secret rather than confront the truth. This fear of facing reality can lead to ongoing deceit and emotional turmoil.
6. Sexual Dissatisfaction
Sexual dissatisfaction is a common reason for cheating. Individuals may rationalize their actions by claiming their sexual needs aren't being met by their partner. They might not consider the reasons behind their partner's lack of interest in sex, often blaming them instead.
Sex expert Tracey Cox suggests that if a partner doesn't want to have sex, it might be due to the quality of the sex itself. Rather than cheating, couples might benefit from exploring ways to improve their sex life together. However, some individuals have insatiable sexual needs that may require professional help.
7. The Forbidden Fruit Effect: Impulse Control Problems
The allure of the forbidden can drive people to cheat. Being told what not to do can heighten curiosity and desire, making forbidden actions more enticing.
Cheating can provide a sense of freedom and control, making individuals feel alive. However, once the excitement wears off, they often regret their actions. Impulse control problems, sometimes exacerbated by alcohol, can lead to cheating despite a genuine care for their partner. Learning to control impulses is crucial for maintaining a faithful relationship.
8. Self-Saboteurs
Reckless sexual behavior, including cheating, can be a form of self-sabotage. Some individuals cheat to confirm their negative self-beliefs or to avoid confronting relationship issues directly.
Ella's repeated cheating made her feel guilty and ashamed, reinforcing her belief that she was bad at relationships. Ava and Harry also used cheating as a way to end relationships without direct confrontation. Cheating can be a deliberate act of destruction rather than engaging in honest communication.
9. Immaturity and Selfishness
Many people rationalize their cheating by citing youth, selfishness, and immaturity. Reflecting on past behavior, they recognize that their actions were driven by a lack of responsibility and understanding of consequences.
Isabelle and Ella admitted that their cheating was a result of immature and selfish behavior. They didn't care about the consequences or the feelings of others. This immaturity can persist into adulthood for some, leading to continued infidelity.
10. Personal Crisis
Personal crises, such as existential anxiety or facing mortality, can lead individuals to cheat. When confronted with the fragility of life, people may seek experiences that make them feel alive and free, turning to affairs as a way to cope with their existential fears.
Perel notes that some people have affairs not because of dissatisfaction with their partner but as a way to reconnect with a lost part of themselves. The affair can be a response to an existential crisis, providing a temporary escape from the mundane or challenging aspects of life.
11. Game Players
Game players, often narcissistic, cheat without regard for their partner's feelings. They seek validation and attention from multiple sources, driven by their own desires and needs.
Eliza's husband, for instance, cheated throughout their marriage, motivated by a need for validation rather than dissatisfaction. Such individuals are focused on their own gratification and are unlikely to change their behavior, regardless of their partner's actions or feelings.
